3.15.2014

Feeling Distressed

So many thoughts running through my heart tonight. Worries about college the future and family circumstances. My heart hasn't ached this way in a long time and I feel so much distress. Knowing that my posts should be encouraging, but just not finding much encouragement to give out just now.

Seeing my grandmother's health decreasing and her going on hospice has been so heartbreaking. She's one of the closest people to me. I've known her all my life and she's been such a blessing to me. She's my role model and now she'll be leaving soon. I just don't know what life will be like without her. Thinking about her death brings back so many memories from previous people who have passed away in my life.

Especially with having to go back to college from spring break and leave her, not knowing if this will be my last time seeing her. She's always been there for me and I wish I could be there for her.

College has been harder lately too. The teachers have been strict and the projects have been quite testing. Feeling depressed about my work and not feeling qualified. It's so hard having to go back and face college stress and also worry about my grandmother. I feel like everything that once seemed important has been reminding me of my eternal home. How much of this life I spend worrying about stupid things. I've been thinking more about heaven and not wanting to think of homework and the daily stresses. It's just been hard to remain focused and keep a balance between the two and not get too caught up in heaven that I fail to get done what I need to here.

My future right now is so unpredictable and I can't stand not knowing what I'm doing and where I'll be over the next few months. So much relies on the classes I'm taking right now and the grades I get and I feel so much pressure for everything to fall into place. Trusting in God has been hard and leaving everything in His hands. I've been having such a hard time putting everything in His control and stepping back and not trying to take matters into my own hands.

I'd really appreciate prayers for my grandmother, my family and my transition back into college life as I leave home, my family and my grandmother that I would be able to remain focused and find strength to carry on through the rest of the semester.

So sorry that this wasn't a devotional or encouraging post, but just felt like I needed to share what was going on in my life currently. Hopefully I can post something more encouraging soon. Thanks for your prayers and support!!

4 comments:

  1. Hi again, sorry to post so often, but you sound really upset!
    It's hard. I also lost two beloved grandparents in college. All I can offer is this: Sometimes, the most suffering is caused by the normal things in life, like death, like school, like being a newbie at a career rather than a veteran. I say normal because they're all inevitable. The only thing that helps is time and perspective. Someday, you'll remember your grandma's life more than this time of her death, and someday, you'll be done with school, and you'll be the experienced one at your work (and I know You will be supportive to those just starting out).

    I find it helps to zoom out and take a wider view of my life when I can't face the really sad, really anxiety-causing events of life. Someday, I know, this will be a memory of a hard time, and I'll have remembered to breathe and keep plugging along, and eventually healed. It is so hard to lose someone you depend on, and there is never a good time for it to happen - it's just hard. But hold on to the, what, 18? 20? years of wisdom, faith, and love she has infused you with. God meant for your lives to overlap just enough to give you what strength you need. Hugs.

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    1. Never apologize for commenting! I love comments! Your comments especially are so encouraging. I'm so sorry that you had to experience losing your grandparents in college as well. I'm sure that was hard for you! Thanks for your encouraging words and for writing from your heart! I needed some encouragement today and feel quite down in the dumps, so thanks for your kind words!!

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  2. I'm in the same situation with my grandmother after she suffered a major stroke. It's so hard to see someone you love go through that. Sending good thoughts to you and your grandmother.

    Also, I think everyone feels like that when they're in college at some point. I know I sure did. It will work out in the end though :)

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    1. Ginny, sorry you have been having similar struggles recently. I'll be praying for you and your family as well! It's never easy! Thanks for your comment :)

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