So many thoughts running through my heart tonight. Worries about college the future and family circumstances. My heart hasn't ached this way in a long time and I feel so much distress. Knowing that my posts should be encouraging, but just not finding much encouragement to give out just now.
Seeing my grandmother's health decreasing and her going on hospice has been so heartbreaking. She's one of the closest people to me. I've known her all my life and she's been such a blessing to me. She's my role model and now she'll be leaving soon. I just don't know what life will be like without her. Thinking about her death brings back so many memories from previous people who have passed away in my life.
Especially with having to go back to college from spring break and leave her, not knowing if this will be my last time seeing her. She's always been there for me and I wish I could be there for her.
College has been harder lately too. The teachers have been strict and the projects have been quite testing. Feeling depressed about my work and not feeling qualified. It's so hard having to go back and face college stress and also worry about my grandmother. I feel like everything that once seemed important has been reminding me of my eternal home. How much of this life I spend worrying about stupid things. I've been thinking more about heaven and not wanting to think of homework and the daily stresses. It's just been hard to remain focused and keep a balance between the two and not get too caught up in heaven that I fail to get done what I need to here.
My future right now is so unpredictable and I can't stand not knowing what I'm doing and where I'll be over the next few months. So much relies on the classes I'm taking right now and the grades I get and I feel so much pressure for everything to fall into place. Trusting in God has been hard and leaving everything in His hands. I've been having such a hard time putting everything in His control and stepping back and not trying to take matters into my own hands.
I'd really appreciate prayers for my grandmother, my family and my transition back into college life as I leave home, my family and my grandmother that I would be able to remain focused and find strength to carry on through the rest of the semester.
So sorry that this wasn't a devotional or encouraging post, but just felt like I needed to share what was going on in my life currently. Hopefully I can post something more encouraging soon. Thanks for your prayers and support!!