So I thought I would post about something from my past for today's post. Wow, where should I begin- I feel like there is so much to say and I'm not quite sure how to express it through a shortened blog post- so it may be kind of long.
Growing up in a Christian home was such a blessing. Things seemed perfect and life was good when I was little- I couldn't ask for a better home and parents. But I remember as I got a little bit older things started changing and I could sense problems and difficulties in my parents lives. My dad had been having health problems since he was very young, but I was just beginning to notice all the stuff going on- trips to the hospital and seeing him in pain (I was 5 or 6 at the time). I remember that Thanksgiving night (even though it is pretty blurry in my memory). I remember my dad staying at my grandparents house because he wasn't feeling to good to drive the hour drive back home. I never knew that this would be the last time I would see him. And the thing that breaks my heart the most is not knowing if I told him I loved him.
I remember the next morning my mom awoke me early in the morning after receiving a phone call from my grandfather saying things did not look good. We drove down and found that the ambulance and police where at my grandparents house. I remember we couldn't go inside so my uncle and aunt took me and my sister around the block and told us what had happened. My dad had stopped breathing through the night and was laying on the floor when my grandparents found him that morning. They believe that there was a mass in his lung and it ended up bursting. The strange thing about it is that earlier that night my grandmother went to the bathroom and she saw a light downstairs (where my dad was sleeping on the couch) and heard voices- thinking it was the tv on. But in the morning there was no light on and the tv was off. We all like to believe it was angels coming to take my dad to heaven. : )
I feel like that day changed who I was. I became a different person and for the first time I felt true and sincere pain. A loss that I had never felt before. And I didn't fully understand how I was feeling or what had happened since I was 6 at the time. As the years progressed I began to withdraw from people and I became more reserved and quiet. I wasn't as confident in myself as I once was- since I felt like something was missing within me- a place only my dad could fill. I felt unprotected and that I was susceptible to danger and was unprotected. I wanted someone to be there for me and tell me things would be alright. But God helped me through and He still is. A few months later I became saved and accepted Jesus as my Savior. I wanted to make sure I knew where I was going when I died.
Growing up without a dad has left me feeling like something was missing in my life and I longed to be accepted by others. I just wanted to fit in somewhere and wanted someone to show me love. Even though the pain of loosing my dad became more familiar to me as the years progressed, the pain of not having him here with me still grows deeper each year he misses something in my life. But I like to believe he can see what we are doing and he knows what is happening. I also look forward to the day when I can look my dad in the eyes, hug him and tell him how much I love him and how much I've missed him. Sometimes I pray and ask God to tell my dad how much I love him and how much I miss him. But for the time being (and forever) God is also my Father and He is always taking care of us, protecting us and providing for us. I remember around the time my dad passed away the rose bush beside our house died as well. And the next spring the rose bush had 3 roses on it for each of us (my mom, sister and I). I felt like it was God's way of saying to us that He was providing and taking care of us- and also a gift from my dad too. It is neat to see the ways in which God works!!
I though I would let you all know that I did not want to write this so anyone would feel pity or sympathy for me- I just wanted to let you get a little glimpse of my past and to write something that others who have also lost someone they loved could maybe relate to as well. So, have any of you experienced a loss of a loved one or friend?