Living in a Broken Mess

Looking back over this past year has left me with bittersweet emotions. While there were times that bring a smile to my face, I find my memories often being dominated by a numbing pain that seems to endlessly persist. Although it's not always constant, but when the waves of pain do come, they crash and flood in like an overwhelming powerful surf.

At times it felt like God was working and my life was finally making some progress into a direction I was desiring. Then all seemed like it was stripped and I was left with the broken pieces. It seems like my journey consists of tiny glimpses of light that quickly dissipate into the darkest of nights with no end in sight. Just when it seems like God is about to do something miraculous, it seems like my dreams are dashed and I'm left with the shattered pieces of my hopeful heart.

I honestly can't say I've found an answer. I don't know the reasoning. One thing that allows me to hold onto hope, even when the future appears so foggy and uncertain, is resting in the fact that God is working. I may not understand the reasoning for my dashed dreams and broken heart, but God is using this broken mess for something. Sometimes I question whether His reasoning is worth the deep anguish that my circumstances have brought me and it feels like there is no purpose that could seem worthwhile for the suffering it has caused.

Occurrences in my past still make my heart ache and break beyond what seems like nothing could ever repair. Some hurts just run so deep that nothing can seem to ease the pain. Sometimes hurts like these feel like time will never heal the dark scars that were engraved on a battered heart. It's during these times of bitter suffering that are the most difficult to find God's presence and purpose for the situation at hand. It's hard to accept that "all things do work together for good." It's hard to trust that He's working it out. And the hardest of all, is to let it go. Letting go feels like you're losing control. You're overlooking the pain. You're allowing the hurts to be forgotten.

I believe the first step in moving on from a painful past is to find forgiveness in your heart to let it go. Let go of the pain and set it free. Don't let it control you anymore. Don't let those circumstances dictate your happiness. Letting go allows you to give it up to God and find peace in knowing whatever you experienced will be worth the pain and is being used in some miraculous way. Letting go takes the weight of the burden off your heavy heart and into God's almighty hands.

We can begin to find beauty in the mess by reminding ourselves of God's promises. He sees all things. He knows the pain. He will bless you for your obedience. He will provide exactly what you need. He will be with you no matter what. He is a fair Judge. His love for you will never cease. He will never abandon you. You are irreplaceable. God's plan is perfect. He doesn't make mistakes.

Even amidst the circumstances of our past, we can find hope in knowing that God is working in our future and nothing passes through His hands without a purpose. Nothing is too big for God that He can't handle and there's nothing too small that He's not aware of. Even when we feel like our life is out of control and going nowhere, God is up to something and He's directing us exactly where we need to be!